If that was your dad, he is hot
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
