your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
