Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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