Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
