Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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