I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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