just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I did not marry a roomba.
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