omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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