i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
