Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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