I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This baby is an asshole
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
