I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
