I accidentally burped into my bong.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
