allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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