wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
that may or may not have been my penis.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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