Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
