my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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