Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
