New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
