Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
