it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
