i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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