I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
