ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
