thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How does one acquire holy water?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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