ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
