he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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