Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just high enough for therapy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
