I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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