i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
