I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
