I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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