went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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