T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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