Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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