She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
