My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
