tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
