it hurts more in the daytime
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
