Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I need to stop coming to work sober
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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