Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
