My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
