The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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