I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
