I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
