Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
