i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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