You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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