my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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