i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
