This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
