So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
