Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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