I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
