It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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